Loaded Couch Potatoes

Julie & Julia isn’t necessarily the kind of movie that Loaded Couch Potatoes exists to talk about, but I realized about halfway through it that it was pure escapism … and I realized about halfway through G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra that it was, as a popcorn movie, inferior to Julie & Julia in every possible way.

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Ugh…  (1)  G-Force ($31.7 million, $8576 per screen):  God fucking damn, America, are you shitting me?

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After a couple of high-profile box-office weekends, this one was just plain old boring.  Thing are going to be lively enough come Wednesday, though, so don’t feel too bad for all those ticket sellers and popcorn slingers.

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July the 4th fell on a Saturday this year, so rib bones and corn-on-the-cobb put a bit of a dent in the box-office.  Or did it?

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As if this past week’s disaster of a movie (not box-office mind you, but quality) wasn’t enough to quell America’s need to see Michael Bay blow shit up and, in essence, ruining an entire generation’s TV series and toy line, Bay has already begun doing press for his next projects, including yet another Transformers film.

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What the fuck, America?

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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen scored a whopping $60.6 million on its opening day.  That figure includes an equally whopping $16 million for Tuesday-night midnight shows.

According to Variety, this sets a new record for biggest Wednesday opening of all time.

Consider that this movie is on track to make more in its first three days than Star Trek and Up made put together in their opening weekends, and weep a bit.

According to Variety, the Oscars will, beginning in 2010, begin nominating ten movies for Best Picture.  This will be the first time since 1943 that the Academy has nominated that many films for its top prize; that year’s winner was Casablanca.

The move toward more nominess seems to be specifically engineered to include more popular films, and, I suspect, to boost ratings for the telecast of the show.

So, what box-office champs will benefit from the decision this year?  Could we be looking at the first-ever Best Picture-nominated Star Trek movie?  Or could Pixar finally get their due?  I’ll go ahead and put my bet on The Hangover, and I make to you this promise: if Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is nominated for Best Picture, I will never watch the Oscars again.

I had a very complex emotional reaction to Transformers: Revenge of the Sith, or Transformers: Rise of the Lycans, or whatever this “movie” is called.  Yes, that’s right: a complex emotional reaction.  Because on the one hand, I was bored out of my skull (and more than a little insulted) by it, but on the other hand, I’m well aware that a lot of people are going to go see this and have an absolute blast, and what worries/confuses/angers/saddens/depresses me is the thought that I, too, could have had a great time watching this movie, if only I was … if only I was …

If only I was what?  What qualities am I lacking that make it possible for other people to love these movies, whereas I dislike them so entirely that I can’t even quite remember what the second one was about only a few hours after seeing it?

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So … did the three dudes with headaches hang over to a third weekend at the top of the box office?

Hah-hah-heh-hah-hah!  Get it?  Hang over?  Ooh-eeh-hooh-hah-hah!  (EDITOR’S NOTE: Ting-tang, walla-walla bang-bang…?)

You know, like the movie The Hangover!  Is big hit!  You like!

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