(1)  Bruno ($30.4 million, $11,040 per screen):  As a de-facto sequel to Borat — which made nearly as much in its second weekend as this one did in its debut– there is simply no way to look at this as anything other than a disappointment.  Consider the fact that its Friday numbers accounted for nearly half of its overall weekend, and I think it’s clear that Bruno is little more than a blip on the summer-movie radar, destined to be all but forgotten by this time next week.  Move along, nothing to see here.

(2)  Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs ($28.5 million, $6948 per screen, $120.5 million total):  Down roughly thirty percent this weekend, it’s a solid hold for the toon, for — as I believe I said last week, too — I can’t shake the feeling that Fox must have wanted more.  If nothing else, this offers proof that summer really isn’t the be-all, end-all of blockbuster release dates; the previous two films in this series opened in the spring, and this one is only doing about as well as those did; clearly, at least in this case, it’s the movie, not the release date.

(3)  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ($24.2 million, $5637 per screen, $339.2 million total):  Dropping only about forty percent this weekend, the Autobots continue to chug along, damn their hollow metal souls.  They’re likely to suffer a bit at the hands of Hogwarts next week, though.

(4)  Public Enemies ($14.1 million, $4230 per screen, $66.5 million total):  Down 45% this weekend, that’s not bad, but neither is it an omen of particularly good word of mouth.  Look for this movie to top out at about $85 million and enjoy a long, comfortable life in the home market.

(5)  The Proposal ($10.5 million, $3327 per screen, $113.7 million total):  Down less than twenty percent this weekend, Ryan Reynolds has considerable cause to celebrate this weekend; between this and the news that he’s been cast as the Green Lantern in that movie, he’s doing okay for himself the past few days.

(6)  The Hangover ($9.9 million, $3308 per screen, $222.4 million total):  If someone had told you on May 1 that The Hangover would make close to $250 million, would you have believed them?  Yeah, me neither.

(7)  I Love You Beth Cooper ($5 million, $2691 per screen):  That’s a miserable debut, but Fox dumped the movie, so it probably could have been even worse.  Clearly, Hayden Panettiere is going to have to wait to become a star.

(8)  Up ($4.6 million, $2115 per screen, $273.7 million total):  It doesn’t appear that Up is going to be able to make it to the $300 million mark, but it’s still got an outside shot.  Definitely one of this summer’s biggest success stories, and probably its best movie.  Until G-Force comes out, that is.

(9)  My Sister’s Keeper ($4.1 million, $1710 per screen, $35.8 million total):  Yawn…

(10)  The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 ($1.6 million, $1434 per screen, $61.4 million total):  …so sleepy…

Wednesday brings us Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and if the reviews are any indication, it’s not only the best film of the series, but it’s the best by a large margin.  Advance ticket sales are through the roof, so look for the record for midnight-show openings to possibly be toppled.  This is a perennially strong series, so who knows how high the opening weekend could go.  I don’t think the five-day record being broken is in the cards … but … those advance sales are awfully strong.

My prediction: from Wednesday through Sunday, $185 million.

(1)  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ($42.3 million, $9995 per screen, $293.3 million total):  Well, I’m not claiming it was a bad weekend for the ghettobots, but the big-ticket sequel did slide by 61% this weekend.  It’s tempting to chalk that up to the holiday, but I’m not convinced punching England in the eye was actually to blame, at least not fully.  Likely, that combined with bad reviews, the opening of Ice Age, and the monster opening week to limit the number of people buying tickets this weekend.  It’s still going to make a serious run at $400 million, but for a movie that opened only a hair less impressively than The Dark Knight, which ended up making well over $500 million total … well, all of a sudden, Revenge of the Fallen starts looking a little weaker.  Only a little, but hey, I’ll take what I can get, ’cause that movie sucks three-day nutsack.

(2)  Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs ($41.6 million, $10,171 per screen, $66.7 million total):  I’m gonna classify this one as a mild disappointment.  It managed to make only about as much in its first five days as the previous film in the series, and that’s despite the summer release date and the premium 3D ticket prices.  Sure, the holiday hurt, and the Transformers hurt more.  So what?  I think Fox ought to have been able to get more out of this movie.

(3)  Public Enemies ($25.2 million, $7580 per screen, $40.1 million total):  $40 mil in five days is pretty decent for a gangster movie, but I don’t think it’s much more than decent, and you can thank Johnny Depp for that number.  Whatever he made on this movie, it was probably worth it.  Nobody seems to be raving about the movie, though, so I’m guessing legs aren’t going to be as good as might normally be the case for an older-skewing movie like this one.

(4)  The Proposal ($12.8 million, $4149 per screen, $94.3 million total):  Down only 31% despite the holiday, The Propsal has turned into a significant hit, and as far as date movies go, it’s got a few more weeks before any real competition shows up.  A major success for Disney this summer.

(5)  The Hangover ($11.2 million, $3670 per screen, $205 million total):  Speaking of major successes, this one might be able to make it to $250 million before it’s all said and done.  It might get hurt by Bruno this weekend, though.

(6)  Up ($6.5 million, $2455 per screen, $264.8 million total):  Dropping 50% this weekend, that’s its worst decline so far, but not too shabby considering that Ice Age opened.  It became Pixar’s second-highest-grossing movie, which is awesome (news that is tempered somewhat when you realize that if inflation is considered, it ranks only seventh on the list … although really, that’s still pretty frickin’ good).

(7)  My Sister’s Keeper ($5.7 million, $2221 per screen, $26.5 million total):  Crumbling 53%, that’s not a result conducive to many more weeks in cinemas.

(8)  The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 ($2.5 million, $1328 per screen, $58.5 million total):  For a movie that cost $100 million, this is a fairly pathetic performance.  Can we get Tony Scott to stop making movies now?  Who am I kidding; he’ll probably direct the inevitable Voltron movie and make something even worse than Transformers.

(9)  Year One ($2.3 million, $1037 per screen, $38.3 million total):  Continuing its unimpressive run, I’m pleased that this will be the final week in which I write about this movie.

(10)  Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian ($2 million, $1440 per screen, $167.7 million total):  Ditto.

Next week we get Bruno and I Love You, Beth Cooper.  The Austrian gets about $27 million, and the cheerleader saves neither the world nor the box office, pulling in, oh, I’m a-gonna say $13 million.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, those of you that care. “Didn’t Michael Bay say he would never do another Transformers film?” And yes, you should be thinking that. Just last week, Bay was making statements that he wouldn’t touch another one, instead opting to go for a film with less explosions (which is like Johnny Depp saying he will never work with Tim Burton again; it just wouldn’t happen). Well, for a few days, it seemed like Bay was going to follow through on that statement. He signed on to produce and possible direct the first film in a series of books called I Am Number Four. The weirdest part? The book adaptation that Bay is attached to could be written by James Frey, the disgraced author of  A Million Little Pieces. I don’t know about you, but I highly doubt this one will be good for anyone involved.

But wait! It also appears that Bay is…looking forward to another Transformers? Well, apparently so. And for those of you that can’t believe it, you shouldn’t be surprised. Yeah, the new one is god-awful, but I dare you to ask any director whose new film almost beat The Dark Knight‘s five-day box office take if he wants to do another one; I can guaran-damn-tee you that, no matter what that director’s previous statement was, he will be itching to hop back in the saddle because he knows that the studio will be basicaly throwing more money at him to make another smash hit. His thoughts on the next one? Well, it seems that he wants to see more of Ramon Rodriguez, AKA “Sam’s Sidekick/Roommate”, in the next film. I don’t know about you, but wasn’t he used enough in this one? He was probably one of the most annoying characters in the film, aside from the “ghettobots”, and it would have been better suited for someone who could, you know, actually pull off that role (I’m looking at you, Jonah Hill)

Whatever Bay decides to do over the next two years is sure to end up being quite successful, no matter how shitty it will be. And America as a whole will just eat it up. And then this country will plunge further into stupidity, to the point where we won’t even know what those moving pictures on the screen even symbolize. And you know who we will have to thank for that? Michael Bay.

(1)  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ($112 million, $26.453 per screen, $201.2 million total):  America, you got a “what the fuck” from me once already this year after the opening weekend of Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but this time, you’ve really done it.  Honestly, what the fuck?!?  As a giant fan of the movie industry, I’m thrilled to see any movie pull in $200 million in five days, but I am genuinely mystified and unsettled for Revenge of the Fallen – a movie with virtually no actual value — to be the one to have done it.  There are positives I am going to choose to take away from all this: one, that the industry as a whole is still quite strong in terms of its potential; and, two, that this is probably a good omen for how future sequels such as Iron Man 2 and Star Trek 2/12 will perform.

All ire aside, it’s a phenomenal debut, and once the final figures are released, there’s a possibility that The Dark Knight could be unseated as the top five-day earner in movie history.  The question now is, how much more will Revenge of the Fallen make during its run?  It’ll almost certainly be well past $300 million by the time I write this column again, and $400 million would seem to be a lock.  Past that, frankly, I don’t care to think about.

(2)  The Proposal ($18.4 million, $6039 per screen, $69 million total):  The rest of the top 10 seems almost irrelevant considering how well Transformers did, but let’s soldier on anyways.  The giant robots threw everything for a loop, but The Proposal held up relatively well, considering, and now qualifies as a genuine hit.  It’s going to make $100 million, and for a movie starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds, that’s awesome.  Both are suddenly bankable, at least on paper and in contract negoatiation meetings.

(3)  The Hangover ($17.2 million, $4884 per screen, $183.2 million total):  Dropping 36% this weekend (steeper than has been the case, but still good), The Hangover continues to chug along.  It’ll pass the $200 million mark sometime around the 4th of July, marking a time of celebration for missing-toothed dentists and roofie salesmen everywhere.

(4)  Up ($13 million, $3741 per screen, $250.2 million total):  It’ll take a big hit this week when Ice Age 3 opens and takes away most of its 3D screens, but even if Up earned nary another dime in cinemas, it’s had an awesome run.  And the fact is, it’s not finished.  It’s a long, long way to $300 million, but Up might have what it takes to get there.  Then again, it might not: it was down nearly 45% this weekend, a steeper drop than it has been experiencing, which suggests that families opted for Autobots instead of Octogenarians this weekend.  With Transformers and Ice Age on screens, and the kids at Hogwarts just arund the corner, the competition may simply be too fierce for Pixar to hit $300 million with Up.  If so, nobody will feel it was a let-down.

(5)  My Sister’s Keeper ($12 million, $4616 per screen):  I’m nt sure anybody expected much from this movie, so with that in mind, My Sister’s Keeper actually had a pretty good weekend.  Per screen, it made more than Up, in fact.  With the choices for adults still pretty slim, this might be able to stick around for a few weeks and end up being a mild sleeper hit.

(6)  Year One ($5.8 million, $1918 per screen, $32.2 million total):  Plummeting 70% this weekend, Year One is clearly not a well-liked film.  It’s going to make even less than Land of the Lost, probably putting an end to comedies set in ancient times for a while.

(7)  The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 ($5.4 million, $1803 per screen, $53.4 million total):  Dropping another 55%, this movie is simply not doing very well.  It isn’t an outright bomb, but it was misplaced in the summer, and Sony is probably kicking themselves for it.

(8)  Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian ($3.6 million, $1619 per screen, $163.3 million total):  Down 53%, the museum-comes-to-life movie was obviously hurt by the robotic-cars-come-to-life movie.  Of the two, I’d pick the one with Amy Adams, but hey, that’s just me.

(9)  Star Trek ($3.6 million, $1978 per screen, $246.2 million total):  Given that Transformers 2 will make as much in something like ten days, it’s hard to get too impressed by Star Trek‘s total gross.  But it is fairly impressive, and the movie continues to play well from week to week.  It made more per screen this weekend than the three films above it in the top ten, which is a good sign of how devoted people are to it.  I continue to wonder, though, if it’s new fans finding it each weekend, or if Trekkies are just going to see it nine times each.  I’m hoping it’s about half and half.

(10)  Away We Go ($1.6 million, $3390 per screen, $4 million total):  Making a surprise appearance in the top 10, the Sam Mendes dramedy expanded to semi-wide status this weekend, and got decent results.  Clearly, this is no Little Miss Sunshine or Juno, at least not yet, but if Focus can continue to get good results from the larger cities, maybe the smaller burgs will follow suit.  It’s going to be hard to get those screens freed up, though.  Netflix will be the beneficiary of this one.

Next weekend should be an absolute barnburner.  With one Optimus Prime-sized colossus already in theatres, the industry also offers up a 3D sequel to a very popular animated series.  Oh yeah, and some Johnny Depp gangster movie, too.

My prediction for Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs is that for the five-day, it makes over $100 million and ends up in first place.  This could easily fail, however, if Transformers manages to hold its audience.  I’m betting half of it evaporates, but if that doesn’t happen, it’ll be on top for a second straight weekend, and Ice Age will have to settle for the silver.

As for Public Enemies, it’s a dark horse, but also a bit of a wild card (if I may be allowed that many metaphors in a single sentence).  The appeal of Johnny Depp shouldn’t be underestimated, and neither should the perpetual appeal of the gangster flick.  Also, there haven’t been too many movies lately for grownups.  If all of those factors come together just right, John Dillinger will be culturally relevant again; if it doesn’t, then we’ve got a movie that is going to fail to make much of a dent.  Personally, I think the latter scenario is the likeliest: I’m predicting $30 million for the five-day.

I would describe this episode as being one of moments in which our characters all take the time to try and figure out how best to survive in the new situations they’ve found themselves in.  Lafayette is doing his best to merely stay alive as a captive in Eric’s basement; Jessica is trying to figure out how to cope with her new “life” as a vampire; Sookie is trying to figure out how her relationship with Bill has been altered by Jessica’s presence; Tara is trying to figure out the extent of her relationship with Eggs, and also (less directly) of her relationship with Maryann; Sam is worrying over Maryann’s re-entrance into his life and what it might mean for his livelihood; and Jason is simply basking in his new existence as the Light of Day camp’s favorite student.

Of these, I’d say I’m probably the most interested in Lafayette’s story.  Nelsan Ellis, of course, was probably the best character of season one (although Jason was close in my opinion), and it looks like that streak may continue.  Ellis is getting an opportunity to play all kinds of interesting new sides to Lafayette, including a ruthless determination to survive no matter what the cost, and no matter what the terms of that survival.  And yet, it seems totally consistent with the more brash and in-control Lafayette we remember from the first season; the character hasn’t changed, we’re seeing the same guy in wildly different circumstances.  As usual, he gets some of the best dialogue.  For example, upon being called a prostitute by Pam: “I’m a survivor first, a capitalist second, and a whole bunch of other shit after that, but a hooker dead last.  So if I got even a Jew-at-a-Al-Quaeda-pep-rally’s chance of gettin’ up outta this motherfucker, I’m taking it.  Now, what you want to know?”

Lafayette also has a great scene with Ginger, an incredibly skanky-looking woman who work sat the bar where Lafayette is being held captive.  (I’m still not quite sure if that’s Fangtasia or not.)  She freaks out, shoots Lafayette in the leg, and then starts screaming at every little thing.  The best moment is in which she grabs some towels to stop the bleeding, looks at them, screams, and then hollers, “These are dirty!”  True Blood is great at that sort of broad comedy, but it never feels cheap.  Michael Bay, please pay attention: this is how you integrate humor into a non-comedy.

This all leads to some terrific involvement from Eric, who is finally getting some, uh, juicy scenes after being mostly wasted during the first season.  He gets Lafayette to tell him that Jason Stackhouse might have been responsible for the disappearance of the vampire character Stephen Root played last season, and later confronts Bill, telling him that he’s going to be taking Sookie to Texas to help find Godric, another missing vampire.  Eric — and actor Alexander Skarsgård — makes a cool sheriff, and while I’ve never seen a sheriff wear a running suit while on duty, Eric seems to be able to get away with it.

I’m also having a lot of fun with Jason’s plotline, involving his newfound entrance into the Light of Day camp.  There he is, riding on a bus, blithely saying “shit” after a group singalong, kicking ass at flag football, totally throwing himself into the role when asked to take part in an acting exercise in which Sarah Newlin pretends to be a vampire sympathizer … Ryan Kwanten plays the hell out of all of these scenes, injecting Jason with a wide-eyed innocence and enthusiasm for his surroundings.  But Jason, an occasionally foolish character, is no fool; Kwanten has a moment, when the words “vampire sympathizers” get roudly booed by his fellow campers, in which he allows a subtle amount of uncertainty and maybe even disdain to play across his face.  This is what’s so great about Jason as a character: to a certain extent, he gets blown by the wind and goes wherever it takes him, but he’s also never entirely closed off from seeing the wider world.

Jason gets good dialogue this episode, too, and most of it comes in tandem with a new character, a fellow camper named Luke (played by Wes Brown) who is obviously jealous of Jason’s immediate favorite-son status.  “Luke McDonald,” he introduces himself to Jason on the bus; “no relation to the restaurant.”  Jason’s reply: “Any relation to the farm?”  “What farm,” comes the answer; and Jason looks at him with a sort of blank disbelief before changing subjects.  Later, after Jason wows the crowd during the vampire-sympathizer playact session with Sarah (after a bizarre and hilariously apt moment in which Sarah dons astoundingly fake fangs and reveals her character to be not just a vampire sympathizer but an actual vampire!, Jason freaks out, snaps a flagpole in half, and only-sorta pretends to prepare to stake her with it), Luke confronts Jason.  “You think you walk on water, don’t you?”

Kwanten has an awesome moment in which he cockily snaps off a piece of dental floss before delivering what must, in his head, seem like the ultimate rebuke: “I’m pretty sure that was Moses.”  Luke replies, disgustedly, “No, it was Jesus; Moses parted the Read Sea.  And what the hell was with you snapping the American flag in half like you was some Muslim Buffy with a dick?!?  That was all kinds of messed up.”

I’d have to say I’m also enjoying Sam’s story, which involves Maryann showing up at Merlotte’s to fuck with him, her intent unknown.  She orders plate after plate of food (I’m reminded of seeing that ginormous table of food in her house when young Sam broke in); it’s not clear if she’s eating it or not, which is probably something the episode should have taken a moment to show one way or another.  Later, she does something to make the entire bar full of people lose their inhibitions and sart dancing; even Andy, who describes his softshoe abilities as being akin to an epileptic on meth, and he’s not kidding.  Michelle Forbes is awesome in this episode; I always thought her younger self was hotter than balls playing Ensign Ro on star Trek: The Next Generation, but she’s even hotter here in her more mature guise.  It’s that danger in her eyes, which is almost palpable.  Some of the vampire cast could learn a thing or two about being menacing by paying attention to this lady.  I don’t know where this storyline is heading, but I suspect it will end in Maryann’s death, and I miss her already.

The Sookie/Bill plotline has long been one of my least favorite elements of True Blood, but the addition of Jessica into the mix seems to be perking it up a bit.  I continue to enjoy how fussy Bill can be; the hilarious scene in the clothing store when the saleslady, upon seeing how Bill behaves toward Eric, makes the assumption that the two are a gay couple is one of the best moments of the seris to date.  Also, Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer seem to have a bit more chemistry together lately than they did last season.  Their relationship has never exactly been a weak link for the show, but it hasn’t been a highlight, either, at least not for me; but it seems to be improving.

As for Jessica, well, she’s played by a hot redhead (Deborah Ann Woll), so I’d be interested in her even if I wasn’t interested in her.  But she continues to be a promising character, capable of playing humor and pathos at the same time.  She also does pretty well with the anger she feels, both at Sookie and Bill for causing her to become a vampire, and at her parents for making her former life such a miserable and sheltered one.  This is an interesting dynamic; Jessica is caught between one set of parents in her previous life, and a new set in her current one.

Sookie gets at least one great moment during her scenes with Jessica, after the new vampire has broken her promise and gone into her old parents’ home.  “I don’t normally cuss,” says Sookie, “but you have completely fucked me here!”  That made me chuckle.

According to Variety, this sets a new record for biggest Wednesday opening of all time.

Consider that this movie is on track to make more in its first three days than Star Trek and Up made put together in their opening weekends, and weep a bit.

If only I was what?  What qualities am I lacking that make it possible for other people to love these movies, whereas I dislike them so entirely that I can’t even quite remember what the second one was about only a few hours after seeing it?

My knee-jerk reaction is to say that these are movies for stupid people.  But, really, that’s an asshole thing to say, isn’t it?  Yes, it is.  And it’s also not true.  I know perfectly intelligent people who dug the hell out of the first one, and I’d guess that most of them will dig the hell out of this one, too.  They’re not stupid at all; some of them are way smarter than I’ll ever think about being.

But I think they must be turning their brains off when they sit down to watch this movie.  Either that, or they are appreciating it on some level that I’m simply not privy to.  I know — or, at least, strongly suspect — that it’s not on a level of fidelity to the source material; I’ve heard from too many Transformers fans who feel that their franchise has been butchered almost beyond repair by these movies to believe that it’s because they’re just thrilled to see the characters on screen.

Is it because these movies represent a new industry standard for digital effects, or for on-screen action?  Well … maybe that’s what people think.  However, as somebody who has seen all the same movies these people would be using as points of comparison, I can categorically say that in no way do this movie’s effects or action scenes represent a new gold standard for the industry.  And neither did they in the first movie.

So what is it?  Just what the blue fuck is so great about these movies?

I’ll answer that question, for myself if for nobody else: not a god damned thing.

These movies suck.  It’s just that simple.  Revenge of the Fallen is one limp scene after another after another.  I thought this movie would never end.  It’s two and a half hours, and not since we invented the waiting room at a children’s cancer ward has two and a half hours seemed like such a long time to be in one place.

Nothing works in this movie, almost literally.

Shia LaBeouf, who was excellent in the first one, is mostly wasted in this one, despite being in what seemed like almost every scene.  He does a lot of running, and a lot of looking concerned, and not much else.  I’m glad he’s a star, and I hope he does better in the future.

Megan Fox … well, she’s Megan Fox.  If you dig her, then you’ll probably want to see this movie.  But I’ve got to say, I do not dig her, at least not in the Transformers movies.  She’s got a sort of vapidity to her that I simply cannot abide.  That, combined with her olive skin and over-ripe lips, would serve her well in movies that required her face to be ejaculated upon, but as far as I can tell, Fox has no innate personality.  And I know for damn sure that Michael Bay is incapable of imbuing her with one on film, so nearly every scene she is in is a complete and utter waste of time.  Sure, fellas, have at her; if I want to watch gorgeous in motion, an adjective made flesh, then I’ll go see the next Amy Adams movie, and let you have the Megan Foxes of the world all to yourself.

I’m being harsh on Fox, and I probably shouldn’t be.  I’ve never seen her in a movie that didn’t start with the syllable Trans-, and since neither of those movies required any acting of her, I have literally no idea whether or not she can act.  It could well be that she’s got tons of talent; I’ll get back to you on that once I’ve seen Jennifer’s Body and/or Jonah Hex, after which I will hopefully have gotten a look at a more interesting take on what she can do.  Michael Bay wants only to use her as a kewpie doll, and frankly, that offends me.  I know it’s hard for me to plausibly seem indignant over her underutilization here when I was just making jokes about her being better suited to taking facials on-screen, but Michael Bay is doing nothing to discourage those sorts of pornographic associations; he does nothing to directly encourage them, but there is simply no question that Mikaela exists only as safely sexualized eye-candy.  Baby, that shit don’t fly in 2009, and it baffles me that more women aren’t at least a little annoyed by it.

Speaking of shit that don’t fly in 2009, did I mention the ghettobots?  This movie has a couple of twin Autobots who speak in a ghetto dialect, have gold teeth, and apparently can’t read.  Coming from another kind of ghetto, one pint-sized Decepticon speaks in a Jersey-mafia-style Italianate.  I guess it’s supposed to be funny to hear that kind of stuff coming out of a robot; same goes for the ghettobots’ dialogue.  But I have to ask: why is it that the robots we’re supposed to laugh at, rather than marvel at, all have ethnic voices?  Maybe there’s one that doesn’t fit that bill, and I just don’t remember it … but I don’t think there is.  And I’ve got to say, that’s pretty damned offensive.  Maybe in the next movie, we can get one to be tight with money and constantly say “oy vey!”

The movie has way more problems than these, though.  The story … well, actually, I’m not in a position to comment much on the story.  I just watched the movie, but I’ll be damned if I can remember much about it.  It’s got something to do with Sam getting a big chunk of info downloaded into his brain.  This coincides with pieces of the Allspark being stolen by Decepticons so that they can revive Megatron, who can then be a part of the plot by The Fallen to finish the job he started eons previously of destroying the Earth.

Why is he doing this?  It’s got something to do with needing the sun’s energy.  I think.  Why Megatron was vital to this plot, I do not know.  Why The Fallen was just sitting there on his ass all those millennia rather than invading Earth and finishing the job, I also do not know.  I don’t know why the Autobots would just keep the shards of the Allspark on Earth if they knew they were that dangerous; these fuckers can fly in space, so why wouldn’t they have just gathered the pieces up and sailed ‘em into the fucking sun?

It could well be that some of these things make sense if you’re paying close enough attention.  I wouldn’t know about that.  If light can be shed on my poor brain, then please, feel free to do so.  Until somebody does so persuasively, I’m going to continue to believe that the story is garbage.

The screenplay was written by Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, returning from the “triumph” of the first film.  They had better luck with their revamped Star Trek, but I feel safe in saying that J.J. Abrams had a lot to do with that, and Michael Bay is no J.J. Abrams.  He seems to have encouraged the writers to wedge in even more “hilarious” comedic scenes than the first movie had.  Didja ever wonder what Sam’s mom might be like if she got stoned?  This movie’s got you covered.  Did you ever wonder how a King Kong-sized robot would fart?  This movie’s got you covered on that topic, too.  Robotic testicles?  Yep.  A leg-humping mini-Decepticon?  You bet, pal; comin’ right up.  Loved John Turturro in the first movie?  Well, he’s got an even bigger part in this one (and, happily, he’s at least watchable in the sequel, whereas in the first one his mere presence was execrable, almost as Bay’d wanted Rob Schneider but couldn’t get him).

The movie sends Sam off to college, but it does so for no real reason (yawn-inducingly, it’s supposed to introduce “character”-based “tension” into the “story” of Sam’s “romance” with Mikaela).  It gets him off campus again in about ten minutes.  In that time: his mother eats some special brownies; he goes to a frat party; he gets tempted by a supposedly hot girl (played by an unappealing actress so skinny she makes Megan Fox look like Danny McBride); he gets a roommate who just so happens to run a website (utterly irrelevant to the plot) about the coverup of alien robots on Earth; he freaks out in a class taught by Professor Dwight Schrute; and so forth.  It’s like a Rodney Dangerfield movie for a few minutes there, only without any laughs.

The whole movie goes like that.  An element is introduced, and then discarded, and another element is brought forth as a replacement.  I’d call it episodic, but the episode would be too lengthy a measurement for this movie’s attention span.  This thing is like a loosely connected series of webisodes.  Now, I know attention spans aren’t what they used to be, but this is ridiculous even by 2009 standards.

Thing is, that approach can work: witness Star Trek, which bounces from one thing to the next at roughly the same speed, but manages to do so with consistent throughlines in its themes and performances.  Again, this is where J.J. Abrams reveals himself to be a vastly superior director to Michael Bay.  Bay will win the battle at the box office, but he doesn’t deserve to; it’s like when Crash won the Oscar all over again, just naked injustice.

So, Honk, the effects are awesome, though, right?

Wrong, muthafucka.  They are not awesome.  They’re occasionally good, but all too often, nothing seems to have any weight.  In about 95% of the shots, the effects may look kinda real, but they do not feel real in that undefinable way that truly great effects do.

The effects themselves are not to blame.  Again, that’s Bay at work.  He creates an air that simply does not allow for anything resembling a genuine emotion.  People buy into effects — which often depict something patently unreal — because they form an emotional attachment to a character or situation, and that attachment briefly cons their minds into accepting as reality something which does not exist.  It’s a magic trick, pure sleight of hand … a moment in which you realize you have no idea which shell the marble is beneath.

Michael Bay has no magic in his approach.  None whatsoever.  He doesn’t care if you’re wondering which shell the marble is under; he’s too busy kicking over the table and screaming in your face, “IT’S UNDER THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE!”  Because of that, while the effects might be significant technological achievements, as artistic achievements they are merely mediocre.

If you think otherwise, compare literally anything in this movie with the shot of the metallic skeleton rising from the flames toward the end of The Terminator.  Compare it to King Kong on the Empire State Building in either the original or the Peter Jackson version of King Kong.  Compare it to The Thing’s head stretching off of the rest of its body, snapping off, and turning into a spider-legged abomination in Carpenter’s The Thing.

The fact of the matter is that people only love movies because they form connections to them, and through movies, they form connections to other people, if they’re doing it right.  And at the end of the day, or at the beginning of it or in the middle, I cannot imagine why anybody would form an attachment to this movie.  It has no soul.  It has no spark of life, of meaning, of philosophy; it has no logic, it has no wit, it has no romance, or mystery, or sentiment; it has no empathy for or understanding of what it means to be a human, or even of what it might mean to be a robot.

This is a movie made by a charlatan for people whom I can only describe as cinematically illiterate.  If that offends you, then I don’t apologize; instead, I point you toward the truly great popcorn flicks: movies like Star Wars, The Dark Knight, Lethal Weapon, Predator, Terminator 2, The Wrath of Khan, Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Lord of the Rings, Casino Royale, Aliens, Jaws, and so many more.  Movies like Transformers need not end up being movies like Transformers; it’s entirely possible for them to be something better and more meaningful.

You deserve those better movies, and so do I.

And when this much money is spent making a movie, call me crazy, but maybe a little of it ought to have been set aside to make sure that a better movie was the result.  Instead, we get this.  A pile of frozen cat turds with a note that says “Fudge — Enjoy!”

I, for one, ain’t buying it.