Loaded Couch Potatoes

All writer/directors who are now three-for-three at the box-office, please take one step forward.

Where you goin’, Judd Apatow?

(1)  G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra ($56.2 million, $14.025 per screen):  We live in an era that can easily find a true blockbuster making around $56.2 million on its opening day, so it’s hard to be too impressed by this opening weekend.  On the other hand, it’s a decent enough rollout, and I won’t be the least bit surprised if it holds up relatively well over the next few weeks.  The movie seems to be entertaining the type of people who are likely to be entertained by a movie like this; they might well make it a genuine hit.

Is it just me, or does the movie kinda remind you of a feature-length version of one of those clips of films Vincent Chase is supposedly starring in on Entourage?  You know, you see those clips of Aquaman or Medellin and you’re not sure if you’re supposed to actually think they look awesome, or if you’re supposed to be kinda amused by the idea that someone would think you would think they look awesome.  G.I. Joe is kinda like that, and Channing Tatum is about as appealing a lead as Vincent Chase … which ain’t sayin’ much.

(2)  Julie & Julia ($20.1 million, $8539 per screen):  This opening feels maybe just a wee bit weak to me; I was kinda thinking it might get closer to $30 million.  Still, when you consider how many of the tickets were probably sold at the discounted senior-citizen price, this is a fairly solid, if unspectacular, opening.  I’d expect the legs to be considerable; don’t be surprised when the movie ends up making $100 million.

(3)  G-Force ($9.8 million, $2816 per screen, $86.1 million total):  Speaking of movie that are going to make $100 million, please pardon me for a moment while I vomit bits of fried chicken into my upper throat region.  Mmm, they’re bitter.

(4)  Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ($8.8 million, $2570 per screen, $273.8 million total):  Looks like those IMAX screens helped a little, but only a little.  This movie has nothing much to be ashamed of, but considering that ginormous opening day was pretty darn ginormous, well, it’s all felt like a big letdown since then.  In reality, though, it’s performed the same way all of the Potter films have done since the first one.  The next one comes out in the fall, and I’ll be interested to see if the return to the days of falling leaves and visible breath prompt an uptick in the receipts.

(5)  Funny People ($7.8 million, $2615 per screen, $40.4 million total):  Judd Apatow officially takes one on the chin.  The opening weekend was a slight disappointment; the second weekend is a near-disaster, plummeting 65% and wiping away any chance that this one could turn into a word-of-mouth hit (like Apatow’s previous films, The 40-Year-Old and Knocked Up).  This may also wipe away any chance Adam Sandler may have had at becoming a bankable star in serious roles.  Since previous efforts like Punch-Drunk Love, Spanglish, and Reign Over Me all fizzled, he managed to make it to a fourth strike; surely he’s out by this point.  Kind of a shame, since this undoubtedly means we’re due for another decade of incredibly, abysmally unfunny fart gags, dick jokes, and Rob Schneider cameos.  Kill me now.

It’s also another blow to the budding stardom of Seth Rogen, who has been in several commercial misfires in a row (including Zack and Miri Make a Porno and Observe and Report).  Sony must be feeling pretty nervous about that Green Hornet movie he’s making for the director of flop Be Kind, Rewind (Michel Gondry).  If Rogen now can’t manage to hit in an Apatow flick, it may mean America has dumped him.

And frankly, the more I think about it, the less I like Funny People, which has occasional flashes of inspiration but is largely a movie with no sense of direction.

(6)  The Ugly Truth ($7 million, $2353 per screen, $69 million total):  Man, this thing has made $70 million?  Seriously?

(7)  A Perfect Getaway ($5.6 million, $2670 per screen):  For a movie with not a great deal of promotion starring Milla Jovovich and zero zombies, this could have actually gone a lot worse.  Universal clearly dumped the movie into the marketplace, and can’t have been expecting much more than what they got.

(8)  Aliens in the Attic ($4 million, $1287 per screen, $16.2 million total):  Man, for a second weekend, that is a terrible per-screen average.  How on earth did Fox manage to get this thing onto over 3000 screens?

(9)  Orphan ($3.7 million, $1643 per screen, $34.8 million total):  Oughta be on DVD any second now.

(10)  (500) Days of Summer ($3.7 million, $4559 per screen, $12.3 million total):  Playing on about 800 screens, that per-screen average suggests that Fox would have been better advised to turn those 3000 screens showing Aliens in the Attic to this little arthouse darling.  Considering how many movies come out next week, it won’t be easy to get into many more theatres than it’s already in, and that might well keep it from blossoming into a true hit.

Speaking of next week, man, I dunno if I’m just out of practice from taking a week off or what, but I have no frickin’ clue what anything is going to make.

The winner of the weekend will probably be either G.I. Joe or District 9, which certainly has the ‘net a-buzzin’ … but that doesn’t always translate to bucks.  I think it’s going to end up in second place with a bit more than $20 million.

The Time Traveler’s Wife would smell like a hit in February, but in August, it seems like a castoff.  I think women might be busy seeing Julie & Julia and not caring about Eric Bana.  Also, Rachel McAdams might once have seemed sure to be The Next Big Thing, but she’s been off the radar for too long for me to think she’s got any real pull.  I think this movie will be lucky to do $15 million; then again, it’s based on a best-seller, which sometimes helps.

The Goods might benefit from a desire in fans of The Hangover to see another raunchy comedy, but I honestly have no sense of how well this movie has been promoted.  BoxOfficeMojo.com lists it as opening on only 1500 screens, which does not seem like a vote of confidence.  I’m gonna say $12 million.

Bandslam … what the fuck is a Bandslam, and does anyone care?

That leaves Ponyo, which gets an overly optimistic 800-screen release and will be lucky to crack $2 million unless I’m badly mistaken.  And in this instance, I hope I’m VERY badly mistaken.